Be Confident, Be Sexy ... Have More Sexercise in Your Life!

From the desk of your favorite expert, Montique Stephon:

Physical intimacy with one’s partner is an important fact of one’s life and the concept of physical intimacy is as old as human existence. The quest for intense physical intimacy with one’s partner has been sought after throughout the ages and has given birth to various concepts about the same.

In the United States and many places around the world, there is not a culture for instruction on intimacy so there is no methodology for practice and improvement.

Today it is such a toss up about what indicators create a good partner.

Earlier, it was a general notion that physical intimacy can be learned through watching porn, reading books on the subject, discussing with friends and investigating positions. We believe that unless there is functional training process to build muscle memory then whatever is being learned is actually temporary knowledge.

Physical intimacy is a skill like any other and in order to become proficient at any skill, you have to devote time to sharpening it it. Once you have mastered a skill, you feel confident about you; after all you have something to flaunt about in the world. Every skill is respectable and increases your worth. The more you learn positive things, the more you feel confident about you, adding more to self-worth and self-respect. The world looks at you with respect and that further increases your confidence, making your life happy, content and peaceful.

To promote confidence and success in this we Zenity has worked to create new concepts around sexercise, the self-described P90X of sex, it’s a workout that engage and build the rhythm, strength and stamina to steadily increase ones sensual capacity.

The movements are all bodyweight driven and are analogous to dance as they are pervaded by the elements of rhythm and spontaneity.  Instead of catering to isolated muscles; they work on various muscles in groups, thus making the exercise more effective providing balance, agility, flexibility, core stability and correct posture to the body as a whole.

These movements are taught incrementally and each come with detailed descriptions that outline how they might be used during intimacy and how to link them with other movements so ultimately when used within a relationship they are an expression of internal feelings and expression based upon a practical foundation.  

With each and every workout people come to improve on existing skill sets and building on new ones as additions to their libraries. In understanding the inner sensual power that the person holds and the fit and strong body to match the interconnected ideals of mental relaxation, reorganization of your true self and positive body image / self-concept all are enhanced.

No matter what kind of sexercise that you participate in our findings have indicated that when it comes to sexual confidence there is nothing better. Additionally when it comes to fitness it is the only kind in the world where you see results the first day, or should we say first night 

Viva sexercise!

Montique Stephon

Trainer Zenity Fitness

www.zenityfitness.com

BTW....Professionals have Sex. Shhhhhhhh!!!

I don’t know if anyone knows this, so I want you to lean in close as I whisper it to you. I want you to receive it.....professionals have sex! professionals have sex! professionals have sex!! Yes. Even people with degrees, extensive work experience, culture, and money are sexual creatures. We wear our conservative blue or black suits. We are the world’s problem solvers and go-getters. People put us on pedestals of knowledge and, consequently, of morals and standards.

At some point in our western society, the message and the norm became that professionals were to be staid, serious, purely intellectual and thinking creatures who are above connection with prurient thoughts, wants, or needs. Now, to be sure, every person has their own standards of morals and will have an experience and expectation of sex that is different from the next person. This is what I refer to when I say “sexual experience.” However, I find the rigid expectation of professionals to appear almost asexual, even within their very proper marriages, to be unrealistic and unhealthy. This article is not to challenge, *too much*, what each of us holds as moral or correct for his/her sexual self. Rather, this article is to encourage us to become more open to our own sexual experience and not to associate others’ openness in their own sexual experiences with something that is taboo or wrong.

So, what is the issue with being disconnected from your own sexual experience? Well, I can think of a few reasons, all poignant adjectives:

1) Repressed

If you are characterized as repressed, generally speaking, you are distressed from the exclusion of thoughts and feelings, often involving sexual desires and sexual urges. By repressing these desires and urges, you are pushing them into your unconscious mind. You are not accepting them into your conscious space and you actively, or inactively, work to put these needs out of your consciousness. The problem with doing this is that you cannot rid yourself of your thoughts and desires. By not accepting them into your conscious mind, you are effectively failing to deal with them. By not dealing with them, you can create anxiety and other psychological consequences that can in turn affect your ability to function in everyday tasks and in your relationships. Your thoughts and needs become a prison of sorts. In other words, you create your own unhappiness.

2) Stunted

As a stunted person or a person having a sexual experience that is stunted, your growth or development has been stopped or your experience has not been allowed to attain its proper growth and development. How important is sexual development and growth? In a newsletter published by Family Voices, Vol 10, Issue 1 in September 2009, Patricia Barthalow Koch is quoted as saying, “Sexuality is an integral part of development throughout the life span, involving gender roles, self-concept, body image, emotions, relationships, religious beliefs, societal mores, as well as intercourse and other sexual behaviors.” In other words, by not allowing your sexual experience to attain its proper growth you are in turn hindering your concept of who you are within yourself and in relation to the world in which you live. 

3) Unhealthy

Your sexuality is a part of who you are as a biological creature throughout your lifespan. Your sexual experience plays a significant role in your physical, mental, and experiential health. So not connecting or not having an ongoing connection with your sexual experience is not a healthy state. 
It has become more common knowledge that sexual desires are driven by hormones produced in different areas of our brains. What may not be as widely known is that acting upon sexual desires also in turns stimulates hormones as well. In “The Neurochemistry of Sex” by Walter Last, he says that sexual arousal leads to increases in various hormones, including dopamine. (http://www.health-science-spirit.com/neurosex.html) When dopamine levels are deficient or in excess, there are negative consequences. Some that Last lists are anxiety, depression, compulsions, low libido, unhealthy risk-taking, gambling, ADHD, psychosis, and social anxiety disorder. However, normal levels of this hormone lead to feelings of well-being, reward in accomplishing tasks, healthy bonding, sound choices, and maternal/paternal love.  

To be clear, dopamine is not the only hormone at play, so the consequences can and do reach all areas of life beyond what’s presented here. But, by looking at the example of dopamine levels, we are able to see that having a connection with our sexual experience, whatever that is for each of us, is important beyond our sex lives and the sexual contact with have with others. This connection to our sexual experience can affect happiness, career, our relationships with family members, our roles as spouses and parents, and our very satisfaction with all of it and ourselves.

4) Unmotivated

This adjective is closely related to the “unhealthy” factor above, but I felt it was important enough to cull it out from the rest of the consequences. According to Ludwin Molina in “Human Sexuality,” (1999) human sexuality is a primary source of motivation. (http://www.csun.edu/~vcpsy00h/students/sexual.htm) “Sexual motivation does to some extent influence human behavior.” 

In the previously-cited article by Walter Last, a symptom of dopamine levels being out of whack is lack of ambition and drive. On the other hand, when dopamine levels are normal, you are motivated and feel pleasure and reward in accomplishing tasks. This motivation goes beyond motivation to just have sex. This is a motivation that pushes us to accomplish life’s goals, to take care of our families and ourselves, and to find pleasure in that.

As professionals, we are, by nature and/or nurture, motivated, driven people who take care of others and value family, friendships, and relationships with others. We have varying but high goals in our personal and professional lives. Being disconnected from your sexual experience can mean being repressed, stunted, unhealthy, and unmotivated---the antithesis of what we hope to accomplish as professionals, spouses, and parents. Therefore, as professionals, we must connect with our sexual experiences and explore our sexual selves, which is consistent to all that we are striving to achieve. 

Now that we see the importance of connecting with our sexual experience, you may be asking how can you make that connection for yourself or how can you maintain the connection you have already made. Well, I have a few tips:

1) Take inventory

One of the best ways to become connected or to stay connected to any aspect of your own experience is to stop and look introspectively. In other words, take inventory. Look at the good for yourself that you have done. It’s all too easy for us super motivated types to see the bad or the negative in ourselves. Well, taking inventory means also looking at the GOOD. What are the positive things you’ve done that have brought you to where you are? 

Now, we also have to look at the bad or negative things that you have allowed to be done to you. Notice the wording: “you have allowed to be done to you.” The truth is, we control our experiences. We cannot control other people’s behaviors, but we do control our own experience of their behaviors. So if you are hurt, angered, betrayed, etc. it is because you allowed that to be your experience. We have to take ownership of this during the process of taking inventory. Because the next question becomes, “Why did I allow THAT to be my experience?”

You may be asking what this step has to do with experiencing your sexual self. Well, experiencing your sexual self--or any other aspect of yourself--requires you to take control of the experience. In order to take control, you have to admit the good and the bad and FIND THE BALANCE. Ultimately, it is this balance and control that will lead to your freedom of self. With this freedom, you can give yourself permission to make your experience what you want it to be.

2) Explore

Often times, we have enclosed ourselves into a thought pattern or set of ideals and have given ourselves little opportunity to venture outside of that. We limit ourselves in this way and may do so for a variety of reasons. Maybe we have become complacent with the ideals and ways “given” to us through childhood and the experiences of our elders. Perhaps we fear censure from our family or partners. Whatever the reason, it is time to break free from that and explore! Give yourself permission to challenge your own preconceived notions and challenge that box that others may have put you in. For example, think about what your preferred sexual position is. Now, ask yourself, “why?” Why is that your preferred position? Now take it a step further into EXPLORATION and ask yourself would a new position offer you the same or even a better experience? It’s ok. Go for it!

The task of exploration can be scary, but it’s largely mental. Our minds are powerful tools that can imprison us or set us free. Make the choice to be free!

3) Act

After you’ve taken inventory to find your balance and given yourself permission to explore to find your freedom, now you have to go and DO. You’ve done the hard parts, now it’s time for the fun parts. Of course, you’re still using your good sense and you still stand on your moral ground, but be free from shame or censure. We see now that our actions in regards to our sexual experiences are important for our happiness, well-being, and goals. So go forth, be free, and act!

4) Reciprocate

Now that you have found your experience and come into your own, you also have to allow others to experience their freedom. Don’t shame and censure. Don’t do to others what may have been done to you. Even if you go through these steps and you don’t make many changes in your own experience--that’s ok!-- don’t lie in judgment of others’ sexual selves or sexual experiences. 

Remember, everyone’s sexual experience and sexual self is different. Even if your experience is relatively more limited, if that is YOUR full experience, then it is good. Whatever you are, whoever you are, embrace it. You can be professional and ambitious AND in tune with your own sexual experience. However your experience may appear to others, if it is who you are, it is good. 


Pura Vida

A "Dear John" Letter You WANT to Receive ...

Dear John,

I’m sorry to have to say this to you in a letter. I didn’t want to do this, but it had to be done. And a letter is the only way I can get my feelings out. Some things have been left unsaid between us that can no longer be left that way. I want to pour my heart out to you, and there’s just no way it can be done face to face.

When you first came into my life, you and I had a wonderful sex life. Everything was great; no complaints on my end. We had a lot of fun, and made some great bedroom memories. But I could always tell something was missing with us. You needed more, and I never knew what was the more you needed. In truth, I never knew what I needed either. Last night I found out what you needed. The secret is out,  and now this letter has to be written. But this is not a typical “Dear John” letter. Please read everything before you jump to conclusions. There’s just something in my heart that wants out. So here goes ...

Last night was the most amazing night of my life. I remember everything about it. I remember the sensations from your touch all over my skin. I felt the warmth below every time your hand rubbed across me and paused long enough to press against my button. You knew my body better than I knew it last night. Last night we paid each other lip service … and the experience was everything you said it would be. I admit I was shy about the idea, but you’re a smooth talker. Now I understand what a silver-tongued devil really is. I kind of like the dark side ;-)

The sex was great as always, but it was this “lip service” as you called it that was the best foreplay anyone could ever have. Once I got on top and settled myself onto your face, that sudden initial jolt of energy that shot through my pussy took me by my surprise. The way you controlled every sensation that I felt on my lips was just as crazy as the way my star quivered and trembled as your tongue invaded me in a way your rod hadn’t: hot, moist, and with a more intimate purpose. You wanted to explore my insides, and there was nothing I could do but let you be the adventurer. This was not a typical probe, it was a journey through peaks and valleys. I was harder, wetter, than I’ve ever been with you before.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to return the favor, but I did. And even that turned me on. The naughtiness of it, the submission to you, and the power I had over your pleasure. Who knew so much could come from such a simple act. The memory of the taste of you drives me crazy (like pineapple juice). All through the day all I could think about was getting my next taste. It’s like I have to swallow you just to stay alive. I am amazed that we never had intercourse. Everything last night was about mouths pleasing lovers. And I was very pleased, baby … and the audience we had enjoyed the show too… clearly. You took your time, and I felt comfortable that if you could taste me all night, that would make you happy. That made me happy. The sexiest part of last night was the feeling that being between my legs was your favorite place to be. And, oh God, the toys were awesome! I can’t forget the toys. I dreamed about the vibrations up against my sweet spot with the suction of your mouth enveloping my Susie Johnson.

I don’t know how we will move forward in the long run, but last night you opened up a world for me that I previously was not interested in. You found the hidden freak in me, and we’re ready to come out and play with you. You never have feel that you can’t come to me about your desires. As you found out last night, you can open up to me, and I might actually become comfortable with your desires. Communication really is key. You used it to unlock my sexier and adventurous inner self. I’m glad everything is out on the table, and we know where we stand. Now we can move forward experiencing life the way it was meant to be: with the only sexual limits being our own imaginations.

Don’t be late coming home tonight, baby. We need you; and tonight you’re gonna have the best we have to give … all over you.

Love,

Oliver and Jill

Anal Sex: Sweet Enough For a Straight Man, But Made For a Gay One?

Good evening everyone! Oliver B. Styles is here to help B. and S. educate the world on a very important topic: anal sex. While I know this is a topic that makes a lot of people either cringe, or jump up and down with excitement, all points of view must be openly discussed. Admittedly, I was a fan of it while secretly dating the well-packaged anonymous porn actor Rod Daily we have all come to love on the show. Tragically, that relationship is over ... and so is that sex in my life for now. I do miss him ... sigh. But life goes on ... and Oliver B. will continue to work for you.

"The Fine Print: We're Calling 'B.S.'" received several listener letters related to the topic of discussion tonight. Rather than answer the letters themselves, your hosts have asked that I offer my expertise in this area to answer all your anal inquiries. After responding to each and every listener letter directly, I have saved the best for last. One listener in particular, whom shall remain anonymous from even your hosts, sent a letter that I felt needed to be made public and answered for all to read. It was such an inspiring letter that I simply had to make my response a public discussion. Hopefully, this listener will read this blog and know that there is no subject so taboo that you can't seek some advice from others without judgment. "The Fine Print" is about safe, and real, conversations without judging others. So, without further delay, I give you the letter sent from an anonymous listener:

Dear B.S., 

I have been married for a few years and have always considered myself to be purely heterosexual. Later in life, I began doing a little research about sex and pleasure spots in both men and women, and was surprised to learn that the primary pleasure spot for males (other than the penis), which is sometimes referred to as the male "g spot", is near the prostate. 

My wife and I had often been adventurous with adult toys to spice things up. One day, out of curiosity, I decided to experiment with an anal stimulator for men. I had never experienced that type of pleasure before. After that, I tried a larger, longer toy. It was even better. I have used the toys on myself mostly, but I have had my wife use it on me a few times as well.

I still enjoy straight sex with women, but this has made me curious about "expanding my options" for sexual partners. Thoughts or advice would be appreciated. 

[Anonymous]

Wow! What a letter. Thank you Anonymous for submitting it. I am glad I get to be the one to respond. I hope I do this letter justice. I think the best way to handle my advice is to give it in pieces as I react to what I read in your letter. 

The first part of the letter that stands out is that you consider yourself to be purely heterosexual. As Bryan and Seterria have mentioned many times, sex is beyond gender. Who you love is very different from what gets you off. So, I believe I should start this response by letting you know that none of your sexual desires necessarily reflect a sexual orientation. All people can be sexually stimulated from a variety of things. In fact, heterosexual men in many studies are very prone to achieving erections when viewing gay porn. And yet, they wouldn't dream of marrying a man or loving him. It's a bit simplistic to say it this way, but hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. No matter what your sexual desires may be, your sexual orientation is defined by your subjective opinion. Just because something turns you on, it does not then dictate your identity forever. That is not to say that you can not develop these feelings for someone outside of the typical heterosexual relationship. All I want to say is that whatever you feel about yourself is okay. Don't let something as pedestrian as a label stop you from being what YOU feel YOU should be. 

I am glad you did your research because you are right: the real pleasure center for men is the prostate. Notice our primate cousins also find that same area pleasurable. Evolution certainly carried forward a treat for men from our animal ancestors, didn't it? Many men don't seem to realize that this area is a gold mine for their own pleasure. I will admit that more and more men are learning of this secret hideaway of heavenly heat. Nowadays, more men are doing exactly what you are doing: spicing up the bedroom with toys. Just take a look at some of the most popular pornography for proof. There are more videos of women wearing strap-ons with their men, more men experiencing anilingus, more men receiving fingers in their back doors, and (my favorite) the first time straight guy having sex with another guy and squealing with glee at the sensations. Essentially ... men have loved their penises all their lives, and are now realizing how much fun they can have with his next door neighbor, the anus. Welcome to better pleasure! And I am impressed that you have done what most don't realize: start slow and work your way into more and more. Starting with a small toy and slowly moving larger helps ensure that you stay in touch with your muscles, which is crucial if you decide to continue down this road. The control is the guarantee that the experience stays pleasurable. Kudos to you for having a wife that was willing to spice up the bedroom by allowing this exploration. A woman can only do so much, and experiment so much, so I applaud her trying.

But moving aside from the wife, the most important part of your letter needs to be addressed now. At the end of your letter you stated that although you still enjoy straight sex (with women), you've developed a curiosity about "expanding your sexual options" and perhaps seeking sex with a male. Now this is the tricky part of my response because so many different factors affect how my answer can change. If you are a married man, then you MUST discuss this with your spouse. They deserve to be in the loop. If you already have a wife who allows spice, she may be comfortable with a one-time rendezvous with a male. Not every woman would, so be aware of this. If she is comfortable with it, then that's great. Once you do it, you'll know for sure what you want. So, let's pretend for a minute that under any circumstance (married, single, divorced, separated, whatever) that applies to you, you are free to explore. I am a firm believer in experimenting with sex before you declare something is off limits. How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it? With that said, I would encourage any man who feels a desire to try a sex act to expand his options without shame or delay. A hole is a hole, of course, of course? Of course not! This is a very different level of sex that every man must dare to experience. So do it!

The question becomes, how can I explore my options with sexual partners? This can be a difficult question. Unfortunately many men have turned to Craigslist (which is sleaze with a wide web connection) and all the diseases and potential murders it brings. I do not recommend this as a way to explore. Exploring your sexual horizons should not take you to the gutter; it should uplift you. So keep that in mind as you explore your options. If you feel like you should be wearing dark shades and only going to meet this person under the cover of darkness, maybe it's not the best situation for you.

I would say that the best suggestion for exploring your options, and luckily I have seen this in recent porns situated to your circumstances (so more men will get this idea), is to find a friend who is willing to help you experiment. This should be a male friend (gay, straight, other, undecided) who is experienced in this area. I would not advise exploring a new sexual experience like this with a novice like yourself. If you are truly going to determine whether you like the experience or not, you will need someone who knows what they are doing, and is willing to do exactly what you want. If you get exactly what you want and don't like it, then you know. If you get whatever you get, and don't like it, you'll never know what could have been. So search through your mind to find that one friend you 1) trust with the information, 2) know is willing to give you the sexual experience you desire, 3) is able to give that experience to you, and 4) is willing to give it to you as often as you desire if necessary. This friend will be able to counsel you on your journey, and make sure you get the right information for what you're doing. This friend should also be open-minded enough to take your desires to a better level than even you imagine. Can you think of that person? 

So, the first step is to find the right playmate for your experience. The next step is to arrange a meeting with this playmate. This is not a hook-up-then-go situation. You should be prepared for at least a day of fun. The first time Rod and I were together was a two-day session filled with drinks, talking, and all the naughty things I wanted to do to explore my desires. We all know Rod Daily is the ultimate expert in anal sex, so I was quite lucky that he had become friends with Bryan and Seterria. I had an expert right at my disposal. Who could have made a better first for me? There were so many things I wanted to do, I didn't want time to constrain our activities. You should set aside at least a day for yourself. You want to be able to have multiple climaxes during the day from experimenting with multiple activities. Hopefully, you are capable of multiples, because anyone with experience will be ready to go again and again. 

Now, before this meeting happens you should follow this next step:  communicate your fantasy. I know you have pictured how you would like this exploration to play out. Do you want to do some role playing? Do you just want the lights off? Or on? What is your fantasy? Take a moment to describe exactly what sort of experience you are looking for to your playmate. And give him enough time to make sure that he can provide this to you. Unless your fantasy is extraordinarily elaborate a day or so is plenty of time. You do not have to make a list of items you may need. Just paint him a picture of what you are looking for in the experience. If he's worth the experience, he can take it from there. This is why I suggest a friend as your playmate. You want someone who is going to care enough about making it an enjoyable experience to pay attention to your fantasies. No, not in an "I Love You, Man" way. Friends go the extra mile for each other because of the friendship ... nothing deeper. That's what friends are for.

At this point we should talk about the experience itself. Communication is key. Make sure you tell him what you are enjoying and what is making you uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to get the service you want. Again, this is why a friend is better; you shouldn't feel nervous about having open communication.

And finally, after this is all over, you will surely have enjoyed yourself. The common worry here is that if you enjoyed the experience it means you are gay. That is not the case. It's okay to enjoy yourself. Just because you like anal sex, doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're alive! But if, after having this experience, you find an attraction to your friend, that is something you should voice as well. It may be that you are bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual ... just something other than straight. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone on a deeper level even if they are the "wrong" gender. Who knows  ... the experience may help you discover the love of your life. It happens. If it does happen, you'll deal with it. If it doesn't, you still have a good friend who is available for your exploratory needs without the romantic trappings of dating. I see that as a win/ win situation.

Anonymous, I want to thank you again for sharing this with the show. I hope I have provided you all the information you need to make good choices going forward. If you need any further information, or if you need a friend to experiment with, please contact the show again and I'll be happy to continue this communication right to your bedroom. 

Here's to experimentation. Cheers!

Fifty Ways to do "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Welcome to B.S. on Sex's Blog Page. Be sure to visit the page often for updates on prior shows, special blog posts from your hosts, and a variety of other helpful information in making sure you read the fine print and find the "B.S."

Tonight's episode of "B.S. on Sex: Volume II" analyzed the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. For those of you who are not aware of this book, where have you been? Well, if you’ve been missing the trend, here’s your spoiler. Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic novel by British author E. L. James, released in 2011. Set largely in Seattle, it is the first installment in a trilogy that traces the relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. The second and third installments are Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, respectively. The series has sold around 20 million copies worldwide, and set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time, surpassing the Harry Potter series. Critical reception of the novel has been mixed, and so were the reactions of your hosts.

On the show tonight, Bryan Babcock gave a few tips on how to incorporate the BDSM lifestyle into an everyday couple's sexual activities. As promised, the list of those ways are below for your enjoyment, incorporation, and your comment. Be sure to remember that BDSM is more than just about kink. Some tips are ways to ease yourself into the role you will eventually play in full. If you can't commit fully to BDSM, these tips also serve to make your sex life kinkier, exploratory, and more trustworthy which is the foundation of BDSM.

1. Put a handcuff key in an ice cube. You can handcuff your lover and rub the ice cube all over their body. The sensation is pleasurable and a bit tortuous as he/she has to withstand the tease until the ice fully melts releasing the key.

2. Do not be afraid to bite. Biting is the most common way to mix pain and pleasure. Have fun with where you bite, and the amount of pressure you put to the bite.

3. Domination is as simple as not being allowed to touch your partner. Have you ever wanted him/her so bad during foreplay that you just have to have him/her? Try not having each other for a few minutes and see how much it drives you crazy.

4. Candle wax dripping onto your body followed by a cooling ice cube.

5. Costumes are great for getting into the dominant/submissive roles. Choose costumes that reflect a dominant/submissive role (e.g., cop/criminal, principal/student, landlord/tenant, James Bond/every woman he meets).

6. Wrestle with each other, and don’t be afraid of the pain in being pinned too hard.

7. If you like to be on top, be on the bottom once.

8. If you like to be on the bottom, get on top and do all the things on top that were done to you.

9. A light paddling never hurt anyone who didn’t want it to.

10. Have you ever been taken from behind? Try it.

11. Blindfold your partners … trust is the key to a BDSM relationship.

12. Schedule a day to do whatever he/she wants to do with you whether you like doing it or not. It is his/her pleasure that matters and you need to enjoy pleasing him/her, and feel pleasure from pleasing someone else.

13. Play a game: pick a body part to own for the day. At any random moment, text, email or phone a command to do with that body part (i.e., “Your fingers belong to me today. Touch your inner thighs with MY fingers right now.”)

14. Remote control vibrators are good too. Anytime, anywhere.

15. Give a good child-punishing spanking to your lover (so there’s an intentional pain act here) while telling your lover how much you want him/her after it’s over, and how desirable they are. This is how you associate pain with the later pleasure so that the two start to blend.

16. If you start BDSM play, have a safeword before beginning. “No” should not be the word.

17. Make an ice dildo. (Google it)

18. Urination is a form of BDSM play.

19. Men: don’t be afraid to experiment with “pegging.”(Google it)

20. Buy a Saint Andrew’s Cross and begin with some retrained cunnilingus or fellatio (the receiver should be strapped in).

21. Buy a Zentai suit. (Google it)

22. Try some animal role play: “You be the dog and come get this bone.”

23. Find a BDSM party, attend, and learn.

24. For those that could one day be into fisting, buy dildos over time in increasingly larger sizes to slowly work your openings to accommodate something like a fist. If you work slowly, you can maintain muscle tightness when it’s all over.

25. Be open to anal sex. It’s gonna hurt; it’s gonna hurt.

26. Look up a professional dominatrix or dominant for a private session.

27. Find a costume that reflects what you want in the BDSM relationship. The costume can psychologically put you in the mood to stretch your limits.

28. STRECTH YOUR LIMITS!

29. Realize that there is no normal other than what you want to do.

30. Do not try BDSM with a stranger. BDSM is about trust.

31. Drugs are not necessary for this lifestyle, so don’t use them.

32. Whatever you want to do in BDSM, make sure it’s hygienic.

33. Silk scarves can be very binding, painful, soft to the touch, and yet don’t leave a mark.

34. Make her have sex with the lights on; she doesn’t have a choice

35. Hair should be pulled whenever you don’t move where I tell you to.

36. Men: take a day off from your orgasms. Spend an entire day making her have orgasm after orgasm as the day goes on, and not once are you allowed get off. The repetition for her will drive her crazy with pleasure, and you with frustration. The next morning take her any way you like until you’re done and both of you will skip to work.

37. Watch him masturbate, standing up straight, and tell him how to do it your way (that means you’re gonna have to think about how his masturbation will turn you on). Punish him (very lightly whip once) when he does it wrong.

38. Watch her masturbate, standing up straight, and tell her how to do it your way (and if it involves certain toys even better). Punish her (dealer’s choice) when she does it wrong.

39. Foot worship (Google it)

40. Try a butt plug … just try it, come on.

41. Try a cock leash … lead him all around the house and make him earn his pleasure with work.

42. Face slapping … at your own risk.

43. Try a game of speaking only when spoken to … “Yes mistress” or “Yes sir”

44. Orgasm restrictions: 1) only as a reward; 2) no orgasm at all; 3) nonstop pleasure

45. Double penetration scenes (doesn’t have to be a threesome just a dildo added to the mix).

46. Piercings (if you’re into them).

47. Forceful penetration (oral, anal, vaginal) with minimal lubrication.

48. Starvation and dehydration are not BDSM … it’s murder.

49. Visit Fetlife.com for more information on the BDSM community and get some tips on how to do more in your sex life.

50. Listen to B.S. on Sex … any volume … any time …for the sex tips your parents never wanted to discuss with you.